#73

I need you for bedtime stories, silly songs, funny accents, and making children laugh and feel loved. Just give me that. Please.

#54

You are beautiful, resilient, clever, powerful, patient, and honest. The complete package and I am so lucky.

#53

You've done a great job this week. Congratulations, darling.

#47

You've been gone for one year now. Show me how to get you back.

#45

Darling, I've pushed you too far. Let's take a couple steps back. Like a tango or whatever.

#34

Darling, I don't know how to shop for you anymore. Will anything ever fit right again?

#14

When you sing, you pray twice.
I can't wait until we're able to pray
one million trillion times a day.

#12

Today someone asked
if you still make me happy.
I told them no,
but I also learned today
that children don't make us happy,
even though we think that they do.
I promise to care for you as if you were my child.

Let's pray that, like being thirteen, this too shall pass.

#11

I'm still not used to you being so delicate.

So, what are all of these numbers about?

I've started writing love letters.
To my voice.

You see, as much as I involve myself in any other activity, the way my throat feels is always one of the dominant thoughts in my mind. That tends to happen when speaking about other things (which should be a distraction) is painful enough to draw attention to the very thing that you might want to set aside for a while.

So I can't ignore my voice, even if I wanted to... which I really don't.

But the thing is, I need these reminders of why I even bother to keep going against the pain and setbacks and frustrations.

I need the reminders of why I love this part of me so much.

I need these reminders of why other people love this part of me so much.

So, from now on, I'm going to try my best to write one love letter/poem to my voice per day... which really means that I'm using my inner voice to communicate with my outer voice. Deep stuff, huh?

I can't promise that I'll be able to do this daily. I'm a college student after all. I can guarantee, however, that these letters will be almost as much about me and my life as they are about my voice, because we're all really intertwined right now and probably always will be.

I'm not going to advertise these letters on facebook unless I think they're particularly important, but you can go ahead and put your email address in the follow by email box on the right side of the screen to get updates whenever I post something new.

#8

Sometimes I wonder why Beethoven understands us so well.
Maybe because he was deaf
and without you I am mute.

On being a singer who is unable to sing

            One time on facebook a friend of mine asked her friends what object we thought best exemplified our souls. Or our lives. Or maybe she just asked what our favorite objects were… Honestly, I don’t remember exactly what the question was. But my answer was “voice box.” For those of you who know me, you will hardly find that surprising. I love words and music and almost anything that the voice has the capability to do. When I was little I would read stories with different voices because I was so fascinated by accents. To this day I have to refrain myself from interrogating people I’ve just met about their linguistic backgrounds, because most people would get freaked out by me going “OH MY GOSH SAY THAT WORD AGAIN YOU SAY ____ IN THIS WAY, WHICH IS SO COOL.” I love studying language because it is so infinite. My favorite Bible verse is John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” There are all sorts of cool theological interpretations of this- go look them up, but the reason that I love it so much is that Words=God. So by studying linguistics (in my view), I’m studying God in all of God’s complex, hard to decipher infiniteness. How cool is that?! Also, have you seen a video of vocal folds? So tiny yet so so so powerful.

            But more than any of that, the reason I answered with “voice box” is because I’m a singer. Singing and music are how I express myself. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to sing since September, and for a long time I didn’t know why. Singing all of a sudden became painful. I would get tired after singing for only a few minutes.

            On October 24^th I was diagnosed with muscle tension dysphonia. What this means, essentially, is that the muscles around my vocal tract work too hard and work ineffectively. So, the more I use my voice, the tighter my muscles get and the more pain I’m in. Fun, huh? I even got this snazzy little camera stuck through my nose and into my throat. So now I have an awesome and only slightly embarrassing video of my very own voice box in action. So at least that’s something.

            Muscle tension dysphonia is apparently one of the most common voice disorders. My vocal folds are completely healthy and I am told (and have to have faith) that this is curable. So I’m currently in voice therapy.

            And I’m so, so lucky to have the privilege to be able to get this taken care of, but it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Not being able to sing really, really sucks.

1) I have to do voice therapy exercises that make me sound like a dying cow (sorry, all of my family and everyone in the general area of the JWall practice rooms).

2) I never know when my voice will or will not fail me.

3) I’ve had to push off so many deadlines and take so many incompletes for voice lessons.

4) I never know when I’m going to be in pain next.

5) I have to sit around with ice packs and heat packs wrapped around my throat to ease the pain.

6) I won’t be able to do my community theatre’s 24 hour musical they’re doing next week because I can barely sing for 24 minutes let alone 24 hours.

7) I’m not able to perform in my student theatre group’s musical we’re doing this semester.

8) I had to withdraw from choir this week. The choir I have wanted to be in ever since the day I first visited Macalester. I’ve been trying to ease my way into singing again, but every time I do I can’t sing for days after the fact. There’s something about choral singing.

9) I am so, so tired of being near tears about this.

But, as much as this sucks, and boy does it suck, I am so, so lucky to be surrounded with so much love.

1) When I was home over winter break and had to make my dying cow noises, no one complained once, even though our house is really small and is chaotic as it is.

2) Although my voice more often than not doesn’t work, there are days when I can sing and there is no better feeling in the world.

3) I’m in a department that is supportive and patient and has let me do what I have needed to do for my health. This wouldn’t be true everywhere.

4) Even though I’m usually in pain, sometimes I’m not.

5) Heat packs actually feel really freaking good wrapped around your neck. Just saying. Plus, it’s cold in Minnesota right now, so added heat is always nice. Also, what a fashion statement to walk around with one wrapped around your neck, am I right?

6) I’ll hopefully at least be home and able to watch the 24 hour musical. We’ll see.

7) I’ve been getting a lot of great producing experience through getting this musical project off the ground, even though I won’t be performing.

8) Sitting in choir practice not being able to sing has forced me to be a really good musical listener. Also, since I won’t be going on tour with them over spring break, I get a few more days to snuggle with my cats at home.

9) Have I been crying a lot? Yes. More than I would like to. But I have a voice teacher who is incredibly supportive and who has faith that things are going to get better and that the Universe is trying to tell us something even when I’m at my most cynical. I have a great voice therapist who is doing everything she can to help me. I have wonderful parents who have somehow found the way to help me with these really expensive therapy sessions and who understand that singing is a necessity for me. When I withdrew from choir my director told me that they would welcome me back whenever I was ready. My acting teacher had the whole class give me a hug when he saw how not okay I was. This disorder has caused me to consider careers that I had never even thought of before. I am surrounded by friends who have put up with how distracted I have been and how much of a mess I have been. I am loved by a God who is teaching me to be patient and trusting and who I believe is somehow suffering alongside me through this. I don’t talk about this a lot, but at times this is all that is holding me together.

This is hard. I grow more frustrated by the day. I can’t wait for the day that I will be able to sing again without pain. But until then, I am so grateful for all of the people who have been taking care of me. Thank you if this has been you.

           

You are the sun, you are the moon

This semester, I'm taking a class about North Indian classical music. We've been learning all about different Indian music traditions, which are all really interesting, profound, and tied up in spirituality. Half of the class is singing, and today we learned a song with this poem that really struck me:

Sthayi
Tu hi surya tu hi chandra
Tu hi pavan tu hi agan
Tu hi aap tu akaas
Tu he dharani Yajamaan

Sthayi
You are the sun, you are the moon
You are the wind, you are the fire
You are yourself, you are the sky
You are the earth and the conductor of activities

Our teacher, Pooja, prefaced this song by telling us that it's over 200 years old and is about the Almighty. It's always so cool how music can unite us in our search for the Almighty/Transcendence/the Sublime/the Divine/God/the Universe/whatever else  you want to call it. That which is beyond our understanding yet for some reason so much a part of us.
So, what struck me so much about this poem? The word for you. Pooja told us that "tu" is the word they use in Hindi for friends/other people you are informal with. They use "ap" for parents and grandparents and so forth. What is so incredibly interesting is that this poem uses "tu" to address the Almighty... because it's a part of yourself and you are familiar with it. Honorifics are always something that I think about because they are so much a part of Korean, which has complete different levels and ways of speaking to people depending on how much respect you owe them. What is so interesting for me is that the Korean Bible is notoriously hard to understand, especially for non-native speakers, because of the super high honorifics it uses to address God... yet this poem addresses God in the informal way.

What do you think?

Whip it real good

So, last week (two weeks ago?) my friends were taking part in GISHWES (the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World has Ever Seen)- and one of the tasks they had to complete was to get a church choir to sing a 30 second beautiful, moving, remix of Willow Smith's "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth." I found out about it when I was at their house for Halloween, and figured that I might as well use my music major for something... so I threw together an arrangement Halloween night (while dressed as a tiger, of course), invited my music friends to come sing it in our campus chapel, and this is the result:

Watch the video here because I couldn't find it when I tried putting it in this post!

Terrible voice leading... but I arranged it at 11 at night... just don't tell my theory teacher.

Thanks for helping me sing it, guys!

Exams, Features, and Some Mean Girl Named Amaryllis

No time for an Etsy feature this week... As you may or may not already know, I've secretly been doing all of my blogging on the weekends during my building monitoring shift for work... but on Monday I have my first test for Medieval to Mozart, so I really only have time to listen to tons of Madrigals.

But! Check out this blog feature!
http://wist-etsy.blogspot.com/2012/10/fridays-featured-fabricator-judith-of.html

And, listen to this hilarious piece by Monteverdi. At least, I think it's hilarious...

O del mio dolce ardor

Guess what. I'm a music major! Which means I sing a lot, basically. I'm singing 4 songs this semester (and possibly one with jazz band?) and this is the one I've been working on most recently. Give it a listen!

I'm not sure if Teresa Berganza sings this song with as much emotion as it should be; the song is from an opera and it's Paris professing his love to Helen of Troy. What I love so much about her rendition of this song though, is that she manages to keep her voice so light and smooth while she's singing it... something I'm working on, and haven't quite been able to manage yet.

Lake Street Dive

Saturday was one of those days where I had things lined up back to back, but they were all wonderful things, so I didn't mind!
I had a read through for For Whom the Southern Belle Tolls, a really funny parody of The Glass Menagerie that I'm doing with MacPlayers this semester... It's super super hilarious.
Then I went to a talk given by a local music therapist, which was super inspiring and made me consider this career path again (4 years ago I was convinced I wanted to be a music therapist. Convinced).
Then I went to see PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION. I got super lucky that some of my friends had an extra ticket and invited me along... It was super fun to hang out with them, and I've been listening to that show on the radio since forever, so seeing it live for the first time was hilarious. And it was the 3rd time seeing Garrison Keillor live in a year (one of the many perks of going to school in St. Paul). The show was hilarious as always... they had this awesome blues singer from Rome... I don't remember her name, so maybe I'll have to post about her later. But, they had a super super super good band called Lake Street Dive play... give them a listen!

I keep talking about how I want to be a bass so I can sing Erlkonig by Schubert, or a coloratura, or Kristin Chenoweth, or Aretha Franklin. But now I just want to be Lake Street Dive lead singer, Rachael Price. Can't I have it all?
And let's just talk about how crazy awesome bassist Bridget Kearney is.
And super cool Mike Olson and Mike Calabrese.
Thanks for the great show, guys!

(After Prairie Home Companion I went to a gala concert given by the music department faculty in honor of our shiny new building... So good!)

Excitement! Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center

So, I go back to school in just a couple of weeks. I'm excited to see all of my friends again, and everything... but looking over my schedule, I'm feeling stressed out already- Between four 4-credit classes, four 1-credit classes, my church job, my work study, driving to the University of Minnesota for my Korean class, my clubs, practicing for voice/piano lessons, and possibly play practice if I get cast... I'll have my hands full to say the least. Yet, in spite of that, I'm super super excited for one thing: Our new music building!

Last year, the building was under construction, which meant that the music department was alllll sorts of crazy. We were kind of the nomads of campus. Our lessons were held in a tiny annex off of campus, our classes were in dorm buildings and social science buildings, choir rehearsals and performances were held in nearby churches, our recitals were held in the on campus chapel, and our practice rooms were in the basement of the library. There were some in the music annex, but their walls were lined with foam... which meant that you could hear the other people practicing, and they could hear you, a little too well. So, there was all sorts of running around. But no longer! How gorgeous is this building?!

A for real recital hall! So beautiful...

I was there a couple of weeks ago to warm up before an audition... and I had chills and tears in my eyes it was all so beautiful. And the best part? I'll  almost never have to go outside in the cold Minnesota winters... all of my classes are in music and humanities and I work in the theatre department... and all of those buildings are connected! It'll be a good year.