#73

I need you for bedtime stories, silly songs, funny accents, and making children laugh and feel loved. Just give me that. Please.

#72

Darling, I miss you.

#71

Being able to focus on only you is wonderful. How long can I make this last?

#70

I've learned so much in your absence, but damn it I miss you.

#69

I can't fathom your secrets.

#68 (30/30 #1)

Seeing my vocal folds for the first time

I sit in the chair

not comfortable and too medical

all false confidence

and all real terror

the doctor is calm

her gold necklace shining in the light

and mauve eye shadow cradling the wrinkles around her eyes

my voice teacher

nervous

tries not to be

a small squirt bottle is inserted into my nostril

sniff

swallow

the taste of kerosene toothpaste running down my throat

I laugh and say it’s lovely

and describe the taste to my teacher

she tells the doctor how excited I must be

a small camera

the size of a pen tip

on the end of a spaghetti noodle wire

is gently prodded into my right nostril by the doctor

she is calm

and I pretend to be

and my teacher pretends to be

she laces it through my nose and it gets stuck

I feel it like a welcomed unwelcome guest

slithering through my caverns

tickling my hairs

and it comes out

the doctor smiles and unlaces the wire

its rubber rough against the skin

and tries again in my left nostril

the rubbing continues and we are through

pathways that connect in some secret way

and I can feel this eye

in the back of my throat

like a convulsion

or a tear

I had been holding in

but I am calm

the doctor turns the lights on

and I look at the tv screen over her shoulder

while she looks at the screen over mine

and there they are

my loves. 

#67

Darling, the way you work is so freaking cool.

#66

Hope is nice.

#65

All work and no play isn't very much fun.

#64

Baby steps.

#63

You know my subtleties better than I do. Thank you for showing them to me.

#62

Sometimes I feel like I would need 50 hours a day to give you all of the love and attention you need.

#61

Today I'm thankful that I have the ability to get you help, even though this week I've wished this would all stop.

#60

When I only look for you, what am I missing?

#59

I just wish more people understood us and that everyone's patience was infinite.

#58

I am tired of us not being enough.
I am tired of hurting.
I am tired of needing help.
I am tired of knowing no one can help us.
I am tired of people expecting us to be better already.
I am tired of people rushing us to be better already.
I am tired of having to believe we will get better.
I am tired of not knowing when we will get better.
I am tired of not knowing if we will get better.
I am tired of being a cautionary tale.
I am tired of being a resurrection narrative.
I am tired of this pain being inspiring.
I am tired of this pain.
I am tired of being tired.

#57

We're both doing our best.

#56

Sometimes I forget how utterly confused by us others are.

#55

Good run. Thank you.

#54

You are beautiful, resilient, clever, powerful, patient, and honest. The complete package and I am so lucky.