#69

I can't fathom your secrets.

#68 (30/30 #1)

Seeing my vocal folds for the first time

I sit in the chair

not comfortable and too medical

all false confidence

and all real terror

the doctor is calm

her gold necklace shining in the light

and mauve eye shadow cradling the wrinkles around her eyes

my voice teacher

nervous

tries not to be

a small squirt bottle is inserted into my nostril

sniff

swallow

the taste of kerosene toothpaste running down my throat

I laugh and say it’s lovely

and describe the taste to my teacher

she tells the doctor how excited I must be

a small camera

the size of a pen tip

on the end of a spaghetti noodle wire

is gently prodded into my right nostril by the doctor

she is calm

and I pretend to be

and my teacher pretends to be

she laces it through my nose and it gets stuck

I feel it like a welcomed unwelcome guest

slithering through my caverns

tickling my hairs

and it comes out

the doctor smiles and unlaces the wire

its rubber rough against the skin

and tries again in my left nostril

the rubbing continues and we are through

pathways that connect in some secret way

and I can feel this eye

in the back of my throat

like a convulsion

or a tear

I had been holding in

but I am calm

the doctor turns the lights on

and I look at the tv screen over her shoulder

while she looks at the screen over mine

and there they are

my loves. 

#67

Darling, the way you work is so freaking cool.

#66

Hope is nice.

#65

All work and no play isn't very much fun.

#64

Baby steps.

#63

You know my subtleties better than I do. Thank you for showing them to me.