One
time on facebook a friend of mine asked her friends what object we thought best
exemplified our souls. Or our lives. Or maybe she just asked what our favorite
objects were… Honestly, I don’t remember exactly what the question was. But my
answer was “voice box.” For those of you who know me, you will hardly find that
surprising. I love words and music and almost anything that the voice has the
capability to do. When I was little I would read stories with different voices
because I was so fascinated by accents. To this day I have to refrain myself
from interrogating people I’ve just met about their linguistic backgrounds, because
most people would get freaked out by me going “OH MY GOSH SAY THAT WORD AGAIN
YOU SAY ____ IN THIS WAY, WHICH IS SO COOL.” I love studying language because
it is so infinite. My favorite Bible verse is John 1:1 “In the beginning was
the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” There are all sorts
of cool theological interpretations of this- go look them up, but the reason
that I love it so much is that Words=God. So by studying linguistics (in my
view), I’m studying God in all of God’s complex, hard to decipher infiniteness.
How cool is that?! Also, have you seen a video of vocal folds? So tiny yet so
so so powerful.
But
more than any of that, the reason I answered with “voice box” is because I’m a
singer. Singing and music are how I express myself. Unfortunately, I haven’t
been able to sing since September, and for a long time I didn’t know why.
Singing all of a sudden became painful. I would get tired after singing for
only a few minutes.
On
October 24th I was diagnosed with muscle tension dysphonia. What
this means, essentially, is that the muscles around my vocal tract work too
hard and work ineffectively. So, the more I use my voice, the tighter my
muscles get and the more pain I’m in. Fun, huh? I even got this snazzy little
camera stuck through my nose and into my throat. So now I have an awesome and
only slightly embarrassing video of my very own voice box in action. So at
least that’s something.
Muscle
tension dysphonia is apparently one of the most common voice disorders. My
vocal folds are completely healthy and I am told (and have to have faith) that
this is curable. So I’m currently in voice therapy.
And
I’m so, so lucky to have the privilege to be able to get this taken care of,
but it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Not being able to sing
really, really sucks.
1) I have to do voice therapy exercises
that make me sound like a dying cow (sorry, all of my family and everyone in
the general area of the JWall practice rooms).
2) I never know when my voice will or
will not fail me.
3) I’ve had to push off so many
deadlines and take so many incompletes for voice lessons.
4) I never know when I’m going to be in
pain next.
5) I have to sit around with ice packs
and heat packs wrapped around my throat to ease the pain.
6) I won’t be able to do my community
theatre’s 24 hour musical they’re doing next week because I can barely sing for
24 minutes let alone 24 hours.
7) I’m not able to perform in my student
theatre group’s musical we’re doing this semester.
8) I had to withdraw from choir this
week. The choir I have wanted to be in ever since the day I first visited
Macalester. I’ve been trying to ease my way into singing again, but every time
I do I can’t sing for days after the fact. There’s something about choral
singing.
9) I am so, so tired of being near tears
about this.
But, as much as this sucks, and boy does
it suck, I am so, so lucky to be surrounded with so much love.
1) When I was home over winter break and
had to make my dying cow noises, no one complained once, even though our house
is really small and is chaotic as it is.
2) Although my voice more often than not
doesn’t work, there are days when I can sing and there is no better feeling in
the world.
3) I’m in a department that is
supportive and patient and has let me do what I have needed to do for my
health. This wouldn’t be true everywhere.
4) Even though I’m usually in pain,
sometimes I’m not.
5) Heat packs actually feel really freaking
good wrapped around your neck. Just saying. Plus, it’s cold in Minnesota right
now, so added heat is always nice. Also, what a fashion statement to walk
around with one wrapped around your neck, am I right?
6) I’ll hopefully at least be home and
able to watch the 24 hour musical. We’ll see.
7) I’ve been getting a lot of great
producing experience through getting this musical project off the ground, even
though I won’t be performing.
8) Sitting in choir practice not being
able to sing has forced me to be a really good musical listener. Also, since I
won’t be going on tour with them over spring break, I get a few more days to
snuggle with my cats at home.
9) Have I been crying a lot? Yes. More
than I would like to. But I have a voice teacher who is incredibly supportive and
who has faith that things are going to get better and that the Universe is
trying to tell us something even when I’m at my most cynical. I have a great
voice therapist who is doing everything she can to help me. I have wonderful
parents who have somehow found the way to help me with these really expensive
therapy sessions and who understand that singing is a necessity for me. When I
withdrew from choir my director told me that they would welcome me back whenever
I was ready. My acting teacher had the whole class give me a hug when he saw
how not okay I was. This disorder has caused me to consider careers that I had
never even thought of before. I am surrounded by friends who have put up with
how distracted I have been and how much of a mess I have been. I am loved by a
God who is teaching me to be patient and trusting and who I believe is somehow
suffering alongside me through this. I don’t talk about this a lot, but at
times this is all that is holding me together.
This is hard. I grow more frustrated by
the day. I can’t wait for the day that I will be able to sing again without
pain. But until then, I am so grateful for all of the people who have been
taking care of me. Thank you if this has been you.
