Seeing
my vocal folds for the first time
I sit in the chair
not comfortable and too medical
all false confidence
and all real terror
the doctor is calm
her gold necklace shining in the light
and mauve eye shadow cradling the wrinkles
around her eyes
my voice teacher
nervous
tries not to be
a small squirt bottle is inserted into my
nostril
sniff
swallow
the taste of kerosene toothpaste running
down my throat
I laugh and say it’s lovely
and describe the taste to my teacher
she tells the doctor how excited I must be
a small camera
the size of a pen tip
on the end of a spaghetti noodle wire
is gently prodded into my right nostril by
the doctor
she is calm
and I pretend to be
and my teacher pretends to be
she laces it through my nose and it gets
stuck
I feel it like a welcomed unwelcome guest
slithering through my caverns
tickling my hairs
and it comes out
the doctor smiles and unlaces the wire
its rubber rough against the skin
and tries again in my left nostril
the rubbing continues and we are through
pathways that connect in some secret way
and I can feel this eye
in the back of my throat
like a convulsion
or a tear
I had been holding in
but I am calm
the doctor turns the lights on
and I look at the tv screen over her
shoulder
while she looks at the screen over mine
and there they are
my loves.
